Ancient 101
by Eilidh17
Summary: Kidfic: Dr Daniel Jackson giving his famous SGU lecture... at the age of 6. Some might call this kidcrack fic.
1. Chapter 1

Note: To understand this story, you will need to watch or know about the Doctor Daniel Jackson's instructional Video on the Ancients from SGU. A direct link can be found on the Michael Shanks Online site (MSOL)

For the purposes of this story, Daniel is a 6 year old boy who is semi aware of his former life… and he's very, very clever. Not beta'd.

**Ancients 101**

"Hi." Daniel waved merrily to his enraptured and attentive audience – his entire entourage of stuffies dragged mercilessly to the living room for today's most important lesson. Oddly - though it didn't seem to bother Daniel - none of them looked overly interested in the topic.

Satisfied he had their full attention, Daniel squared his shoulders, pushed his glasses back up his nose and continued in a serious voice. "I'm Daniel Jackson O'Neill. The Ancients were once a race of humans known as Alterans." Slapping a hand to his forehead, Daniel was once again forced to pause in his carefully rehearsed lectures for the sake of one of his less than cooperative friends. "George!" he called out, waggling a finger in the direction of his stuffed camel, its one hump sagging awkwardly against the couch. "You won't learn anything if you can't even stand up straight." Huffing a resigned sigh, Daniel abandoned his dais – the recently polished coffee table – and splaying the camel's legs out different directions, managed to center the lopsided beast. "There!" He declared, satisfied. "You won't mind if I continue now?" Getting no argument or spits of protest, he clamoured back onto the coffee table.

"Where was I? Oh… The Ancients were once a race of humans know as Alterans. Can we all say that? A.l.t.e.r.a.n.s." He turned an ear in the direction of his class, nodding happily; satisfied they had mastered the word. "Very good. Now the Alternas left their galaxy to avoid a war with another race of humans called the Ori." Daniel looked over his stuffies on at a time, frowning when he reached his snake; its normally coiled body, a mass of knots. "Apophis. Tsk, tsk. I thought I told you to go to the bathroom _before_ we started class. You've worked yourself into a real knot now!"

Hands on hips, feet set wide apart and nudging the edge of the coffee table, Daniel pursed his lips, infuriated at the interruption, and pointed towards the bathroom door. "I'll be asking questions at the end of this series of lectures so it's on your head if you can't answer them. Shoo… bad snake." Apophis didn't move, in fact, his brightly colored and seriously knotted body didn't budge and inch. "You pee on the floor and daddy is not going to be happy." Shrugging at an answer only he could hear, Daniel soldiered on with his lesson.

"As I was saying! Umm… What was I saying?" Chewing thoughtfully on his lip for a moment, Daniel brightened as an imagined light bulb flicked on above his head. "The Alterans. Yes. They flew to the Milky Way millions of years ago and landed on the planet Dakara. From there, they made their way to Earth, which they would call home for some time." A noise from the audience broke Daniel's diatribe, and shoulders heaving in mock disappointment, he zeroed in on the culprit, giving him an evil twitching eyebrow. "Yes, Teal'c?"

Teal'c the cow had a problem. He had a broken moo'er. A real problem it was because despite Daniel asking his daddy to fix him on many occasions, the little moo box – as Daniel called it – would sound at the most inopportune of moments. This had the rest of his class in fits of silent laughter, with Mitchell the Care bear falling most undignified on his rainbow painted bottom before sliding onto his back. Daniel didn't care for the bear much. Mitchell's permanent sunshine smile irked him especially when he wasn't feeling well.

Anywhoo…

So, Teal'c had mooed in a most undignified manner. Mitchell had fallen over, a smile plastered to his face, and Apophis was still a mass of knots and looking like he was about to pee on the newly cleaned rug. Daniel was not happy.

Getting no answer from Teal'c, and refusing to pay any attention to the other interlopers, he continued stoically. "The Ancients are the inventors of the Stargates and much of the advanced technology that was later usurped and used by the Goa'uld to enforce their rule-" What was that? Who snickered at him?

Vala!!!

Vala the stuffed pink Siamese cat had been a problem from the moment aunty Vala had given her to Daniel. Her eyes followed him around the room and her "necessary" diamante collar rubbed up against his thigh at night, leaving him with a nasty rash. There was of course the other problem that having Vala in his class has caused – Vala, being a cat and all, loved to chase Sam.

Sam was his bird.

Not a bird in the conventional way that Daniel regarded birds; Sam was a Toucan. He loved her, adored her, and cherished her. Sam was his very first stuffy, coming right before George the camel and Teal'c the farting, oops, moo'ing cow.

Nighttimes where a nightmare though, and in desperation – when Vala tossed her pony tails (ears) over her shoulders and cocked her head from side to side showing off her "bling"- Daniel had no choice but to grab Sam and toss her to the far side of the room before Vala ate her. It was a travesty! Each morning, Daniel would pick up his battered Sam, cajole her, and set her up high on his bookshelf where Vala couldn't reach her. So far, he'd kept her safe.

"Vala!" Like a stick under pressure, Daniel snapped. Leaping off the table, he landed in front of his diamond studded pussy, shaking a fist in her face. "I'm thinking time out for you, miss!

Vala purred salaciously at him, before flicking her gaze at Sam; the bird almost dropping all of her feathers in fright.

"I've fed you already," he said hotly as he snagged Sam and spun back to his lofty mantle. "No dessert for you, young lady."

Order once again restored, and none the wiser for why Vala had snickered at him – though he suspected she thought his use of the word "usurp" was probably the reason, Daniel continued, "Prior to settling on Earth, the Ancients left for Pegasus. No," he scrunched his nose at Oma the friendly Ghost – her white robes showing signs of needing a wash, "not the horse."

Oma said nothing.

Strange really, she normally had something obscure to add to his conversations.

"Ultimately," Daniel forced himself back on track, "some of them returned to the Milky Way where it is believed they used their knowledge to restart human life as we know it on Earth. Everybody clear so far?"

Daniel took their stunned silence as affirmation of understanding.

"Okay. At some point, they evolved both physically and mentally to the point were they no longer required their human bodies."

Oma caught his attention, and Daniel tried not to roll his eyes at her interruption. "Yes, I know, Oma… how deep is the river." Oma sat silently but Daniel wasn't fooled. "If you can be patient, we'll get to the part about-" As if following a conversation, Daniel's face reflected his devoted attention to her query. "I promise I won't forget."

Discussion over. Stuffed Ancient happy and content, Daniel drew in a deep breath and pushed on. "Which brings me to my next topic…"

The End


	2. Chapter 2

**Hyperdrives 101**

"Hi, I'm Doctor Daniel Jackson-O'Neill." He paused for effect. Hands clasped behind his back, Daniel glared out over the top of his low sitting glasses hoping his practiced 'unimpressed' scholar routine would work its usual charm.

It didn't.

His class, the best stuffies his General Daddy could buy – that was 'General' as in rank, not 'general' as in everyday. And 'rank' as in those funny things his daddy wore on his collar, not the smell that came from daddy reading the newspaper in the toilet for half an hour – had adopted the sitting mostly unsupported position around the coffee table and were grinning it him like loons.

Which was fine if you knew what a loon was.

There being exceptions to every rule, Daniel wasn't surprised that Vala was already misbehaving, and his new most important lecture had barely gotten past the introduction stage. Vala was a pest! Bad enough she had cornered Sam in his bedroom earlier that morning, and holding her to the floor with one neatly manicured paw – she was wearing nuclear ruby polish today – was engaged in a game of feather plucking.

"I'll eat you, I'll eat you not," Vala repeated over and over as the feathers flew. Yadda, yadda, and so on it went until Mitchell had come to Sam's rescue and threatened a bug infestation the likes of which Vala would never see again. Mitchell, it seemed, had a friend in the Ori bug business. This was news to Daniel who swore the only Prior stuffy he remembered owning had burst in to flames. Daddy warned him that leaving his toys scattered around the living room would have it consequences – an ember had leapt out of the fireplace and landed on Dick the Doci. It was a sad day, but a lesson learned.

Shaking his head at the image of Dick the Doci flaming his way to stuffie heaven – Daddy had helped him along by tossing him smartly in the fire, being a fire hazard and all – Daniel looked over at the hapless Vala, one velvety paw stuck in her diamante studded color, and sighed.

He did a lot of that lately. Sighing that was. It seemed natural now as his students continued to show less and less interest in his cleverly prepared classes.

Where was he again? Oh, yes… sigh… Vala. Paw stuck in collar, eyes dark and pleading, the queen of the felines looked like she wanted to shout some well thought out protest, but… her mouth being fake and sewn into a perpetual smile – fake tongue lolling off to one side of her pink painted lips – she really couldn't do anything.

"Vala," Daniel drawled her name out, waggling a finger in front of his face, "how did your paw get stuck in your collar?"

Mitchell beamed at him. Really, it was all Mitchell could do being a Care Bear an'all. There were smiles and then… there were smiles! Daniel could tell Mitchell was just begging to say something.

"She was what?" Daniel sighed after hearing Mitchell's succinct snitchy snap for Vala's simpering predicament, and casting a well skilled skunk-eye stare at the felonious feline, groused, "Picking your nose! Really, Vala!"

Vala's tail took on raccoon like proportions at being found out, but wisely, she kept her silent comments to herself, and giving up the struggle with her collar, resigned herself to a day of three-legged drudgery.

Daniel scrambled back onto the coffee table, the perfect dais to preach to his less than thrilled students. Somehow the look on their faces, the yawns of boredom, and constant eye-rolling looked familiar, but he couldn't figure out why. Brushing the thought away and suddenly wondering who the heck Eli was, he straightened his back and began the day's lecture.

"Now, you've heard the term hyperspace for years in sci-fi movies and television shows, but what does it really mean?" An imagined show of hands went up around the room and Daniel twisted his face into a scowl. "Hands down," he quipped, "it wasn't a question!"

George didn't agree. Back legs splayed out at right angles, he rested on his front legs with his hump leaning up against Mitchell's shoulder. The Care Bear Colonel didn't look pleased and smiled his dissatisfaction through clenched teeth. Funny, Daniel had never noticed the teeth before.

"What do you mean 'what is hyperspace?' Did I not mention at the start of the lesson that we'd be learning out hyperspace today? I didn't?" Daniel strummed the tips of his fingers together in a very Monty Burns manner while he mumbled over the lesson in his mind. There hadn't been much. "No. You're quite right, George. I didn't."

George stared his smugness at having caught their teacher out on his own lesson, and unwisely, took the matter one step further.

"Noooo." Daniel couldn't believe it! Of all the idiotic and lame questions a camel with four wonky legs and a limp hump could ask, it had to be that one! "Hyperspace doesn't mean space is hyperactive. Yes, I know Walter the Chevron Lemming had a hyperactivity problem but we fixed that remember?"

George continued to stare blankly, but Daniel didn't miss a word of thought. "No, we're not going to discuss what happened to Walter. I know he followed the other lemmings through the kawooshy thing, and no… you can't go with them."

George's front legs gave out and he collapsed to the floor, head twisted to one side and gazing up dejectedly at Daniel.

"Nope, you can pout all you like." Daniel dismissed the camel with a wave of his hand and soldiered on. "Well, basically we live our lives in three dimensions plus time… that's another DVD, and no Sam, I don't mean the Wiggles DVD." He held up his hand warningly as his nearly featherless bird started tweeting the words to "Hot Potato," a firm Wiggles favorite among the toddler set and number one on Sam's list of songs sure to annoy Daniel. Bringing his growing frustration at the constant interruptions out in his voice, Daniel muttered evenly, "Everyone ignore Sam and she'll stop eventually."

Sam just tweeted louder.

"Moving on. Hyperspace, also called sub-space, is another dimension in which certain laws of physics like the speed of light or the effects of relativity don't apply."

Something was wrong… very wrong. Daniel couldn't place it at first but the sound - or lack thereof - of Sam's high pitched tweet, had suddenly been silenced. "Ah," he looked around at his class, taking in each familiar face slowly. Where Sam had been sitting was a small nest of what looked like feathers. A very small pile; the rest were still scattered around Daniel's bedroom. He had thought about attaching them back on but the sight of Daniel carrying a large roll of tape had sent Sam into a flap. Literally. "Um… has anyone seen Sam?"

Mitchell smiled predictably – being a Cheer Bear - making Daniel ever so glad that daddy had given Jonas the Oopsy Bear to the neighbor's new puppy as a chew toy– he was way too smarmy for his liking. George blinked his ignorance from his sprawled position on the floor. Vala teetered precariously on one paw, the other still caught in her collar. Apophis the snake had a suspicious bulge in his snaky body and a feather hanging rakishly from a fang.

"Apophis!" Daniel warned, but the snake whistled silently and looked everywhere but at him. The belly bulge was a dead give away, a clear indicator that Sam the Toucan had become an entrée. Now, Daniel should be irked, he knew he really should, but a thought dredged up from who knows where, popped into his mind. Sam had taken a host, and somehow the irony that it was Apophis amused him.

Apophis dry retched once, burped, and dry retched again before turning an ugly shade of pale. Daniel pointed to the now wriggling mass in the snakes belly and suggested he "spit her out." Apophis readily agreed, and after another loud belch, Sam zipped out his mouth and landed in a sloppy heap at Daniel's feet. Looking up at him through a drool encrusted, Sam winced her thanks and dragged her nekid, feather challenged body back to the sofa. As far away from rude snakes as possible.

Could this day get any worse?

Teal'c moo'd, and a sour odor floated over the class and hung in the air.

Obviously it could.

"People! Did I mention there would be a pop quiz at the end of this lesson? Hmm?"

The class didn't care. Some gagging, others clearly holding their breath until their pelts turned blue, they all glared threateningly at Teal'c, but the malfunctioning cow didn't care. With a quirk of his eyebrow – he only had one – he nodded at Daniel to continue, oblivious to the stench.

"Right… so… oh, yes. Hyperspace! Now by entering hyperspace, a ship can travel vast distances at speeds many times the speed of light and return to normal space once it reaches its destination."

Teal'c moo'd.

Again.

The class held its breath.

"Something you'd like to add, Teal'c?" Grateful Teal'c hadn't followed through on his moo, Daniel listened patiently like any teacher of good repute would to his student's well thought out and practical question.

"You want what?" Well, this was different, and more than a little odd. "No, I'm pretty sure there are no cows in space." Teal'c wanted to know why. "Oh, I don't know, maybe because they don't have a space suit that would fit you?" What? The cow was not happy. "No, I don't think the Airforce is deliberately discriminating against cows, but Daddy could probably tell you more." Teal'c didn't want to hear it, but he did have a suggestion for his new life as a space cow. "A Jaffa? Isn't that some type of cake?"

Daniel quirked one eyebrow at the cow's response and stifled a chuckle. Teal'c for his part, moo'd his closing statement with some reference about shutting a hyperspace window so the flies don't get in… but… Daniel didn't get the reference. Letting his bovine companion finish his repartee, Daniel thanked him for his interruption and searched for his place in the lecture. "Ships, vast distances, destinations… oh, yes. So!" He held one finger up stiffly in the air, making his point, "in conclusion! The actual maths of how it all works is still highly classified and I'm not completely sure I understand it myself, even though I am cleverer than the average six year old. Fairly sure its how most advanced races get around the galaxy when they're not using a Stargate."

The class fell silent. Mitchell smiled; he never stopped. Vala finally managed to extract her paw, and to her abject horror, discovered her nuclear ruby nail polish had been scratched by the diamantes in her collar. Beauty was such a fickle thing. Sam had taken courage and gathered in her remaining feathers, eyeing Apophis warily who, in all the boredom, had knotted himself into an impressive figure eight. George was predictably sound asleep, although Daniel found it hard to tell the difference from when he was awake.

Teal'c moo'd.

Daniel considered calling a bio hazard alert and clearing the house, but the expected fall-out never happened. "Yes, Teal'c?" Pause and sigh. "What is a Stargate?" Oh, puhleese… all this time harping on at them and he'd never told them what a Stargate was? Surely he had. "Haven't we covered the history of the Stargate?" Apparently he hadn't. "Okay, so… in the next lecture…"

TBC in the next lecture…


End file.
